FIVE NBA MEGA TRADES THAT WOULD CHANGE EVERYTHING
Would these trades happen? no.
Should they? Also no.
WERE THEY fun to think about? Big yes.
In these trades, I’m looking to play dream matchmaker. As a fan, I want the best product possible on the court. So for this exercise, I’m going to pull off some trades with guys that would never be traded in a million years. In exchange, the team (and city) that will be receiving these generational players will need to give it up a lot. And I mean a LOT. That’s enough exposé, I think? You’ll get it pretty quickly.
Trade 1: Luka Doncíc to the Philadelphia 76ers
The 76ers Receive:
-Luka Doncíc
-Ted Cruz
The Dallas Mavericks Receive:
-James Harden
-The Liberty Bell
-Mark Cuban 25% ownership stake in the 76ers
-”Always Sunny in Philadelphia” now changed to “Always Sunny in Dallas”
-Gritty
HUGE get for the 76ers here. Luka and Embiid are now the unquestioned 1/2 pairing in the league. Luka gets the best pick and roll partner in the NBA, and the two go on to dominate in the East and bring Philadelphia their first championship since 1983. Of course, Philly had to give up a lot, too. Harden for Luka was a clear upgrade, but the Liberty Bell is a piece of history. Tough to see that go. On the receiving end, sure it’s great to nab Luka, but you’re stuck with Ted Cruz too. Either way, if you’re Philly, you’ve still gotta be happy. As for Dallas, yes it’s sucks to lose Luka, but now Mark Cuban can be even more rich. And hey, Gritty is fun.
Trade 2: Nikola Jokíc to the Golden State Warriors
The Warriors Receive:
-Nikola Jokíc
The Denver Nuggets Receive:
-Good weather in February and March
-Five start-ups from Silicon Valley
-Residual rights to the TV Show Silicon Valley
-The Bay Bridge (asked for Golden Gate, too steep a price)
-Pier 39
-Draft rights to Canon Curry in the 2036 NBA Draft
I think the basketball pairing of Curry and Jokíc is obvious. The passes. The shot creation. The elite big the Warriors so desperately need (love you Kevon). Still, it’s a tough trade for the Warriors. Bay natives won’t like trading away their good weather in those late winter/early spring months. I can’t even imagine what losing the Bay Bridge will do for traffic. Pier 39 we’re actually kinda happy to lose but don’t tell Denver. And hey, if you’re Denver, you’re looking at a flourishing economy (don’t look at tech stocks). Now you just gotta pray Canon got the better part of dad’s genetics.
Trade 3: Damian Lillard to the Los Angeles Lakers
The Lakers Receive:
-Damian Lillard
The Portland Trail Blazers Receive:
-The Los Angeles Angels
-Universal Studios Theme Park
-Sunsets at the beach
-The phone number of Rob Pelinka’s dermatologist
-Bronny and Bryce commit to University of Oregon
This would totally change the dynamic of the Lakers, and give Portland the fresh start they desperately need to move on as a team. Of course, Lillard would have loved to retire a Blazer, but now he gets a shot at actually competing for that elusive ring. Meanwhile, losing Dame is a huge blow to Portland, but the city did need another sports franchise, and a Major League Baseball team is no joke, even if it is the Angels. Plus, Universal will be fun! Not like Disneyland fun, but you know, fun. As the Lakers, you’re happy to see all that stuff go in exchange for Dame. Although, Southern Californians will definitely miss those golden hour sunsets.
Trade 4: Ja Morant to the Minnesota Timberwolves
The Timberwolves Receive:
-Ja Morant
The Memphis Grizzlies Receive:
-One of the two Twin Cities (details of exact city undisclosed at this time)
-$10,000,000 gift card redeemable anywhere within the Mall of America
-Autographed ball caught by Stefon Diggs during “The Minneapolis Miracle”
-D’Angelo Russell
-Justin Jefferson will come to the birthday parties of Taylor Jenkins’ sons
Ja and Ant in your backcourt, as the home team, could be like hosting the slam dunk competition 41 times a year. The explosiveness. The dynamicism (not a word). The jaw-dropping plays. Ticket prices would go through the roof. Who knows, it might even help people forget you traded the franchise future away for a worse Walker Kessler, aka Rudy Gobert. And while Ja is great, it will hurt to lose one of the foundational identities of your state. “Only-child city” doesn’t sound as good. That said, you are moving on from D’Angelo Russell soooo, worth it? As for Memphis, that Stefon Diggs autographed ball is valuable. Trust me, as a Saints fan, there is no price high enough that I wouldn’t pay to get that ball. And burn it.
Trade 5: Zion Williamson to the Milwaukee Bucks
The Bucks Receive:
-Zion Williamson
-Seasonal Hurricanes
The New Orleans Pelicans Receive:
-Aaron Rodgers (now a Saint)
-407 miles of Lake Michigan coastline property
-Giannis 2021 NBA Finals MVP, just because
-”Hello Wisconsin” in That 70’s Show retroactively edited to say “Hello Louisiana”
-The Harley-Davidson Museum
Just imagine. Giannis and Zion on a fast break. Austin Reaves is the sole Laker back on defense. Giannis throws the lob to Zion, and Austin Reaves (like a bug on a windshield) is instantly vaporized into dust. Jack Nicholson, sitting courtside, begs for a foul the refs will never call. A funeral is held for Austin later that week. I’m off track. Anyway, the Bucks are now a TV must night-in and night-out. That said, having a hurricane season now will take some adjustment. And the Harley-Davidson museum was actually pretty cool. Meanwhile, if you’re New Orleans, that is VALUABLE real estate on Lake Michigan (except when there are ice storms), and hey. The Saints are back, baby. It was always a football town anyway.
