TEN nfl championship game bets vegas won’t let me make

With these sportsbooks, it’s always “Who Will Win?” and never “How many times will tony romo say jim Nantz’s name during the broadcast?”

Sportsbooks hate to see me succeed. I say this mostly because I exclusively lose money when I bet, despite how good the 12 leg parlays look. That said, even I know when I see a bet that’s free money. Sadly, you won’t find any of these bets on DraftKings, but man…if I could.

Game 1: The San Francisco 49ers vs. The Philadelphia Eagles

Bet 1: The announcers mention Jalen Hurts’ “remarkable poise” (-500)
Look, there’s a reason these odds are so juiced. This WILL happen, maybe within the first five minutes of the game. I would 1000% also expect a resting heart rate joke.

Bet 2: OVER 2.5 cuts to Brock Purdy’s family sitting in the crowd (-175)
I think we’ll see the family early. One of those “Mom and Dad made it out here to support their boy” wholesome ones. Then I’m thinking we get a “uh oh, game got kinda serious, Mom looks a little nervous, Dad is very quiet.” Then maybe he does something late to bring them back into the game and we see the family going nuts.

Bet 3: UNDER 3.5 total teasers for Rihanna’s halftime show ( -110)
I’m excited for Rihanna to come back just as much as the next guy, but this is valuable air time for the network. I think they’ll keep it to three teasers or less, but that doesn’t include like the short little snippet ones when they first cut back to the broadcast and the announcer is like “Don’t miss *double checks notes* Ri-hanna at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show!”

Bet 4: YES there will be a cut where we go from Jason Kelce on the sideline to his brother Travis Kelce warming up for the next game, exactly in that order, during the broadcast (+105)
Definitely surprised to get plus odds here (from myself, but let’s ignore that) but I’m not complaining. I’m taking that bet every day of the week. I’d take the same odds even if that included the broadcast mentioning that they do a podcast together.

Bet 5: Bradley Cooper somehow makes it only the Eagles sideline/the field (+400)
Celebrities just kinda get to do shit for no reason right? This definitely seems possible. I mean it’s Bradley Cooper. And you know me, I love some plus odds. I’ll definitely roll the dice with this last one.

Game 2: The Cincinnati Bengals vs. The Kansas City Chiefs

Bet 1: We’re shown close-ups of Mahomes moving on his injured ankle in the pregame show (-700)
There is no number low enough that Vegas could set this at that I wouldn’t still bet. I’ll be shocked if the pregame show makes it through five minutes before we see close-up footage of that bad boy. And hey, as long as it’s in his cleat, it’s all good. No free feet pics.

Bet 2: OVER 3.5 mentions of Joe Burrow and Ja’Marr Chase playing together at LSU (-150)
Important to clarify this can be truly any mention. We’ll get an obvious one, but I’m talking about the one-off comments from Romo where he’s like “see Jim, that’s that connection that goes back to their college days.” They don’t have to explicitly include the word “LSU” as long as they reference it, if that makes sense.

Bet 3: OVER 99.5 Instagram posts from the Kansas City area captioned “Mahomes is where the heart is” on game day (-110)
Don’t get scared off by the large number here, this is a low hanging fruit and people all use the same captions for everything. There’s a reason every throwback post from summer that someone posts in November says “Take me back.”

Bet 4: UNDER 4.5 times Tony Romo predicts the next play during the game (+120)
You would expect this number to be much higher, hence the plus odds for the under, but Romo is trying to prove he’s more than a one-trick pony. I think Vegas is trying to bait you into taking the over here, but I really think Romo is trying to dial back the future teller stuff.

Bet 5: First commercial shown at the break is from State Farm (+500)
Of all the options, these were actually some of the lowest odds I could get, but State Farm media planners are going crazy with these games, and since the entire Chiefs roster is apparently their talent, they probably got a decent deal with this game. I’ll only sprinkle a little on this, but it’s something to root for.