FIXING THE WORST NBA TEAM NAMES
Some NBA teams have great names. SOME do not. Thankfully, I fixed that.
There’s a wide variety of NBA team names. We’ve got formidable animals, always a popular choice, like the Grizzlies and Raptors. We’ve got iconic yet confusing characters, like the Celtics and Lakers. We’ve got the Orlando Magic, which I think today, for the first time, registered as an ode to Disney. So that’s cool I guess.
But just because those teams have already been named doesn’t mean that has to be their name forever. We shouldn’t pretend like there aren’t better options out there.
Thankfully, I am a man of the people. And I know what the people want. Fittingly, I’ve done the hard work for you.
Now, all you have to do is buy the new merch. Let’s get to it.
1. THE CHARLOTTE BLACK WIDOWS
Fixing the Hornets was the lowest hanging fruit, for sure. What an awful franchise name. “Buzz City” is stupid, I don’t care. Fight me. The Black Widows would be 100000% cooler (I did the math, that’s exactly the number). The logos would be cool. The black and red color palette would look great with Air Jordan 1s. But ignoring the fact that this name would actually be a cool idea, and would fix the team’s identity crisis, I want to highlight the most important aspect of this idea by far. The arena now becomes “Charlotte’s Web” which, just as a branding opportunity, is absolute gold. To be honest I’m shocked I’m giving this one out for free, but hey. I’m generous.
2. THE NEW ORLEANS JAZZ / THE UTAH BLIZZARD
This is a two-parter. The first part was obvious. Trade the Jazz name to New Orleans, the actual birth place of Jazz in the United States. Why the fuck are they the Pelicans. Seriously someone explain it to me. I could Google it but I don’t want to. That’s how stupid the name is. Anyway, all is right in the bayou now. But that brings me to Utah, which needs a new name. I considered a few snow themed options but landed on The Blizzard. Why snow themes? Well, sure, Utah is cold. There’s good skiing in Park City. But more importantly, Utah is home to over two million mormons. It’s also a notoriously racist fan base. So, long story short, basing the team name off of a “white out” felt appropriate.
3. THE HOUSTON WHITNEY’S
Look, I get it. NASA is in Houston. The Rockets are a NASA related name. It’s fine. It’s whatever. This franchise needs some pizzazz though, and yes, I did just use pizzazz for the first time ever in my writing (thank you for asking). Whitney Houston (rip) is an icon, and according to a random source I found online, one of the 30 most famous artists of all time. The merch would go crazy with this name swap. You could do only Whitney Houston songs during timeouts at home. When Jalen Green crosses someone over, you play “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” and when James Harden comes back you can set the compilation video to “I Will Always Love You”. I’m telling you, it’s free content.
4. THE BROOKLYN BODEGAS
Before they were the Brooklyn Nets, they were the New Jersey Nets. Notice something about that change? It’s the alliteration (or lack there of). It’s gone, and now all the Nets have left is a franchise with Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving, which somehow isn’t remotely compelling enough to draw in New York fans, but Jalen Brunson and Julius Randle can pack the house. I get that the Knicks are the Knicks but still. Anyway, this is an easy fix. First off, calling them the Bodegas will help New Yorkers understand it’s actually a team based in New York. I think most of them don’t know that. Next, it brings back the alliteration the team’s been missing. Get that double “B” back in business. This is a win-win for everyone.
5. THE SEATTLE CLIPPERS
Okay so this one was tricky. In a similar vein as the Nets, the Clippers are the least favorite sibling in a market dominated by their big brother. No matter how much money Steve Ballmer pours into this team, they’ll never compete with the Lakers fans. So this is where things get tricky. I want to rename the team to the Seattle Clippers, but keep the team based in LA. Seattle is an NBA-starved city, and they want a franchise bad. Even if that means the franchise isn’t actually based in Seattle. Also, it’s just a short two hour flight from Seattle to LA, so fans could make the home games easily. This also might trick some Lakers fans into going to Clippers games because they don’t view it as cheating on the Lakers. And in case you’re wondering about ownership ties, Microsoft is based in Washington. This all makes too much sense. Pull the trigger Steve, you coward.
6. The Washington Basketball Team
The Wizards are a joke of a franchise and their name is somehow worse. The hardwood isn’t Hogwarts, and it’s high time they started acting like it. Luckily for them, the city’s football team fumbled the bag. They ironically came up with a great team name while frantically trying to switch on the fly when the public finally decided “hey maybe we shouldn’t have an aggressively racist team name any more.” Then, in classic Washington football fashion, messed it up and pivoted away from “The Football Team” to their new name, The Commanders. With that opportunity still on the table, why not swoop in if you’re The Wizards and change to “The Basketball Team”? Everyone would love it. And by everyone I mean at least me. So that’s something.
7. THE MEMPHIS TWITTER FINGERS
Is this last one a shot at The Grizzlies because myself, as a Warriors fan, hates them and thinks they’re corny as shit? Of course it is. Does that make the name any less appropriate? Not at all. Keep talking though, Twitter champs! Maybe if you tweet enough you’ll be able to beat the Warriors on Christmas Day without Steph in the lineup. Oh wait, you couldn’t even do that? Yikes.
Did I miss any teams? Was making a white people joke about Utah too obvious? Let me know!
