THE NFL PLAYOFF VOODOO RANKINGS

Sure, you could rank the teams based off analysis, analytics, and other “A” words. Or, you could simply consult the gods.

The NFL Gods are not to be trifled with. They’re loosely associated to the betting Gods, and they both have short tempers. They hear you when you say “we’ve got this game in the bag” with 5 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. They read the gloating texts you send to friends when your parlay needs just one more Davante Adams catch to hit. They are petty. They are undefeated. They are inevitable.

So, with that in mind, let’s rank how the remaining NFL playoff teams fair when their fate lies in the hands of a higher power.

1. The Cincinnati Bengals
I call the Joe Burrow Bengals the reverse Chargers, mainly because while the Chargers seem to lose every game they should win, the Bengals win every game they should lose. Last year, the Bengals notably came back from a 21-3 deficit against the Chiefs to complete one of the more notable upsets in recent playoff memory. Of course, they also forced a fumble on their own 0 yard line to swing their first round game against the Ravens. And by the way, it’s not like they don’t have talent. Their combination of skill players and quarterback is one of the best, if not THE best, in the league. Their defensive coordinator is truly a genius when it comes to making second half adjustments. But at the end of the day, it just seems like if the ball is bouncing, it usually seems to be bouncing the Bengals way.

2. The New York Giants
This was a close call between 2 and 3 here, but I’m going with the Giants here. The Giants have long been a darling in the eyes of the Gods, as they proudly own two of the most improbable Super Bowls of the 21st century. The current team has been compared to both of those teams, and is sneakily one of the hotter teams in the entire playoffs while returning tons of guys from injury. They now face an Eagles team that absolutely smacked them the last time they played for real, but that wasn’t the playoffs. The last game we saw Jalen Hurts start in the playoffs, he struggled pretty badly against a decent but not great Tampa Bay team. Meanwhile, the Giants are hot. They’re coming in fresh off a great game. And most importantly, they have a FANTASTIC coach in Brian Daboll. (Whispers under breath) maybe the best coach left in the entire playoffs?

3. The Jacksonville Jaguars
It’s not even the Jaguars man. It’s Doug Pederson. The man is 6-0 as a playoff under dog, and do I really have to reiterate how insane the Chargers comeback was? He said it himself. “Do you believe in miracles?” It’s hard to say the Jaguars have great karma, especially after years of such utter and spectacular failure, but Pederson is coming with that same voodoo that led the Nick Foles Eagles to a Super Bowl over Brady, Belichick, and the Evil Empire. Now, he gets to go against his former boss, Andy Reid, in a game no one expects them to win. It helps that their QB is very good, and Pederson is also just an actual good coach, too. They’ve got their work cut out for them against the heaviest favorite of the weekend, but hey. We’ve seen the Chiefs lose to an underdog before.

4. The Kansas City Chiefs
I think there’s a decent drop off here after the top three, but the Chiefs are definitely still favored by the Gods at least. How else do you explain the miraculous comeback against Buffalo Mahomes was able to pull off in just 13 seconds? The Chiefs definitely had their karma called into question with last year’s collapse against the Bengals, but the good news? Maybe the Bills are immune, and the Chiefs can avoid the Bengals this year altogether. And of all the quarterbacks left, the one most likely to somehow beat the odds, and the Gods, is Mahomes. The only real question is can Andy Reid stay out of his own way?

5. The Philadelphia Eagles
We’ve reached a harmonic neutral as far as the Gods are concerned. The Eagles have had luck in the past, (see Nick Foles Super Bowl), but as we discussed that might’ve just been the cosmic weight of Doug Pederson carrying them to that trophy. The good news for Eagles fans is despite having a lack of fortune on your side, you do have something else: the best roster in the whole league. You could argue Niners are better, but I don’t think so. Anyway, the point is, the deck is already stacked in the Eagles favor. As long as they don’t do anything else to anger the Gods this week, they should hold up alright against the Giants.

6. The San Francisco 49ers
Ask me to do this ranking next week and this team probably finishes dead last. There’s just something about Shanahan and the playoffs that don’t mesh. Obviously, he was the OC during the Falcons 28-3 collapse against the Patriots. He was also on the sidelines as Garoppolo missed a wide open throw to win the Super Bowl against the Chiefs, as well as a dropped interception to seal a win against the Rams. The 49ers always seem to make it far, even sometimes farther than they should, but the second you buy in for real, they fail. That said, outside of voodoo, they’re still probably my favorite to win the Super Bowl. So. Maybe the Gods will be kind, for once. Probably not tho.

7. The Dallas Cowboys
Can you really have good karma with Jerry Jones as an owner? The Cowboys haven’t mattered since the 90’s, and I don’t see that changing this year. Need I bring up the Romo dropped hold? Or the Dez no catch? America’s team is not the Almighty’s team. And to be honest, I could not care less. I love watching the Cowboys lose. I love watching Jerry lose. I like Dak. I like CeeDee. I like Micah. I still want them all to lose. No further questions at this time.

8. The Buffalo Bills
I hate this. I hate everything about it. I love the Bills. So much. I want Josh Allen to win a Super Bowl, truly. But Bills fans know, there’s just something about Buffalo man. Are they cursed? I sure hope not. But last year’s let down in the final 13 seconds is just further evidence there’s something weird in the water up in Northern New York. I mean they almost lost to the Skylar Thompson Dolphins. It was like they tried to, to be honest. So man, do I hope I’m wrong here. But I fear I’m not.